


and i wish i could

by thundersquall



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, Unresolved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 03:33:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3312353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thundersquall/pseuds/thundersquall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"That sounds a lot like the sentiments of someone approaching matrimony," Chris says, biting back a grin. "You thinking of getting married anytime soon?"</p><p>And - holy <i>shit</i>. No. <i>No</i>, that is not what Patrick was thinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and i wish i could

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [this](http://toewscrosby.tumblr.com/post/110383793992/helping-kane-along-the-way-is-a-close-knit-family). also because of all the notfic i was madly spamming at cathy. cathy seems to inspire a lot of my writing ideas. <3

"That sounds a lot like the sentiments of someone approaching matrimony," Chris says, biting back a grin. "You thinking of getting married anytime soon?"

And - holy _shit_. No. _No_ , that is not what Patrick was thinking.

His face feels cold, suddenly, stiff and wooden like his skin’s been turned to glass; he doesn’t know what he looks like, but a little furrow has begun to appear between Chris’ brows as he looks down at Pat, voice recorder still running in his hand. He can’t help himself; he flicks his eyes over to the opposite end of the locker room, where Jonny is holding court with his own tangle of reporters. Jonny’s voice is barely audible in the general locker room buzz, his low monotone melting into the noise around them, but Patrick can still pick his voice out amongst all those others. He always could.

He tears his eyes away from Jonny to look back up at Chris, and that furrow in his forehead has deepened dramatically as he waits for Patrick to reply.

Pat draws in a deep breath and forces the words out. “No,” he manages. “No. Not until after Tazer does.”

"Partner in crime, huh? Gotta do everything together?" Chris’ tone is gentle, joking, but when Patrick looks up at him again, his eyes are surprisingly soft and sad. And Patrick knows, right then, that Chris _knows_.

They probably all do anyway, Chris, Laz, Tracey, all of them. God knows he hasn’t exactly been subtle over the past eight years. In fact, the only person who doesn’t know is probably -

"You got it," he says, in a voice that sounds feeble and not at all like his own, through lips that have suddenly gone numb.

He leaves a lot of things unsaid. _Because when he does marry someone else, maybe I’ll get it into my head that it’s over, no more chances. Maybe I’ll finally accept that this is what it is and move on with my life instead of pining for what I can’t have, like a fucking moron. Maybe then I’ll finally fucking give up and understand that Jonathan Toews isn’t meant for me, at least not off the ice, not outside of our jobs._

He loves Amanda, he really does; he’d meant every word when he’d told Chris how great she is. But -

But.

 _Jonny_ , he thinks helplessly, and his mind conjures up an image, unbidden, of the day Jonny gets married. Of Jonny in a smart tux and his bride by his side, Patrick on his other side in an equally nice suit as his best man - because he will be Jonny’s best man, he knows this, Jonny’s said so before. He’ll be laughing, and joking, and slapping Jonny on the back, like a best bro should, and at the end of the day he’ll go back to his room alone and strip off his nice suit and just -

"I’ve got to go, Chris, sorry," he says, standing up abruptly, and bless Chris, he doesn’t say a word, just nods and clicks the recorder off as Patrick stumbles out of the locker room.

—-

The article is out a week later, and sure enough, Jonny texts him about it.

**hey. good interview with chris.**

Patrick’s just finished reading it himself; he’s still not sure whether to be relieved that Chris had left it at that, or to be horrified that Chris had actually put that last bit in, along with all that crap about how his face had ‘drained of colour’. (Had it? Had it really? He knows he tends to wear his heart on his sleeve, but this is a whole new level of obvious.) He stares at his phone, and decides to go for noncommittal.

**yeah. he’s a good dude.**

**that he is.**

And Pat thinks that’s the end of it, but his phone buzzes again, not a few minutes later.

**what did you mean by that though? ‘not until tazer’?**

Typical Jonny, Patrick thinks. Always bulldozing his way to the heart of the matter, as if he can make the world turn on his axis by the force and strength of his will and words. God knows why, but he loves the guy. Loves him so much he can’t think straight, sometimes, and as his fingers hover over his phone’s keypad, he thinks about how easy it is right now to just type that, to tell Jonny, **asshole. i love you.** and **it’s only ever been you for me** , and **i can’t fucking stand the thought of you getting married to someone else** , and **i can’t fucking stand the thought of me getting married to anyone but you.**

He types, **nothing. just a dumb joke.** and hits send.

**Author's Note:**

> i like amanda a lot, actually, i think she's great for kaner and i thoroughly enjoyed that article! but the way it ended made me really want to write something all sad and pining for k/t, so here goes.
> 
> (also i am really, really new to hockey and would love new hockey friends, so. say [hi](http://kanerboo.tumblr.com)?)


End file.
